"It's crazy but I'm frightened by the sound of relationships.."
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I suppose I've never had any clue, really.
Sometime last week I figured out that this older man I'd been seeing just wasn't going to work out in a long term thing.
The age difference is a big deal for me, but more than that is the fact that I just feel like I don't look forward to talking to him because he doesn't really have anything interesting to say.
It's okay if he's telling some story from his past, or we're making fun of the cliques in the meetup groups, but aside from that there isn't much to talk about.
I found comfort in spending time with him because he spoiled me with attention, affection, and it was lovely but I can't see how this would play out long term.
I know that I would get bored fairly quickly, would invest some amount of time and then feel sad when things got to the point of where one or both of us had to move on.
Of course I feel conflicted about this. I always do when it comes down to me being indecisive.
The only good part in all this is that we never got to the point of being "serious" and/or sleeping together (thank Ghu!).
I could "casually" date him for a long time, just killing time keeping each other company, but is that fair to either of us? Not so much.
I attended a "gong bath" meditation last weekend with the Tall Man I mentioned in my previous post.
After the meditation we walked through a foggy Woodstock town center, to a restaurant for dinner. Woodstock IL was the town where the movie Groundhog Day was filmed (oddly enough).
We sat and talked for hours, over our salads, drinks, and dessert. It was really lovely, but there's something strange about this guy.
He's either immensely shy, or he's hiding something (or both). He definitely has a lot of emotional scars, which isn't always a good thing.
I'm definitely intrigued by him, but not attracted yet.
There's nothing there yet.
Still, he was a reminder to me of what really sets off the chimes in my mind, being able to talk freely about music, politics, metaphysical stuff, and not have to explain myself in great detail.
THIS .... this.... is what I hunger for.
I would rather be alone, single, embedded in my head, in my music, my safe little world than be stuck in a relationship with someone who did not share this with me.
There's a very real possibility that I will be alone on my birthday again this year, toasting myself with expensive Belgian ale. Maybe I'll go treat myself to dinner somewhere and sit at the bar. Maybe I'll find a nice karaoke bar to hide out in.
No matter, it's still better to go it alone than to "settle". I would rather sit with my physical craving for affection, attention, etc. and be uncomfortable until I find the right person.
My older friend was not the right person. He's just not. A few weeks ago we had a "debate" about LGBT pride that really just hit me the wrong way. He was trying to tell me that "they should not be shoving this in our face all the time" and I could not get past what he was going on about.
"I think this might be a generational difference between us, because I see my gay friends as being no different from anyone else, and they should be allowed to be themselves"
"Yeah, but they shouldn't be on tv saying that this is okay and that they're so great and all"
"I don't understand. There's nothing weird about it. Maybe if they're out and proud then people wont make such a big deal out if it"
He's homophobic, and that's sad.
The Tall Man might not be the right person either. I might not have met the right person yet.
It's all about sticking to my principals and really taking the time to get to know someone before I commit to a relationship.
I will always have music, my daydreams, my critters, and my work. I have "meetup" events to fulfill my need to get out and be social.
I want what my friends have. Someone who is just right for them. I'm not afraid of a little emotional work, I just have to go about this quest in a sane and measured approach.