Life, the Universe, and Music

A Big Sack of Doom

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 01:59:51 GMT

I actually gave up on ranting about contemporary fashion a long time ago.

I'm of an age where I no longer give two shits, or even one shit about whether or not what I'm wearing is trendy or fashionable. The only exception to this would be when I am forced to interact with other humans in a professional capacity. I'll put on a pair of Dockers or a skirt, a button down shirt or shell and a cardi and call it a day. Most of the time I wear what's comfortable, while taking some care not to go out in public in yoga pants and a t-shirt, or anything that will land me a guest spot on some horrible website full of photos of women wearing pants 2 sizes too small, showing the world their ass crack or muffin top.

I might not care if I'm unfashionable, but I don't want to scare people either.

Anyway, tonight I decided I would go out in search of a new pair of boots. The criteria was simple - must not cost more than $50, must have a heel that I can actually walk in, must not be made of plastic, and not be too fussy and/or look like cheap motorcycle boots or someone's mad interpretation of cowboy boots. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind motorcycle boots or cowboy boots, it's that neither of these were what I was looking for this evening.

I went to one of my favorite shoe-selling retail establishments. All the fall boots were out, so many styles to choose from, some of them so hideous I wondered who actually would consider spending more than $25 (let alone $100) on a pair of "all man made materials" calf high boots with a horrible 3" wedge heel (who the hell decided that wedge heels needed to come back anyway? they only ever looked good on espadrilles back in in 1977). There were some fairly awful ankle boots as well that should have come with a warning label:

"Wearing these boots will give you foot problems. We are not responsible for paying your podiatrist co-pays."

The store was also chock full of shoes that I would never, could never wear. Even when I was a skinny 20 something I've never been able to walk on anything higher than 2" heels, and they damned well better be a chunky heel. How anyone but a professional dancer or someone with arches of doom can walk in a 3" pointed heel is beyond me. I have met a few women who can do it, but for the most part I just cringe when I see women wearing them with that pained look on their face.

"Beauty is a pair of shoes that makes you want to die..." FZ

To make a long story short, I did manage to find a nice pair of ankle high boots in a style that agreed with me, at a price I was willing to pay (but not without trying on a half dozen other pairs that just didn't work for one reason or another). Not before having a laugh at all the other hideously ugly shoes and boots for sale that will surely end up on a garbage barge floating somewhere off the coast of New Jersey.

What this post is really about is what I went looking for after I found my boots.

Handbags. Purses. The thing we sling over our shoulders that holds the "stuff" we need when we leave the house.

A woman's "purse" is the stuff of legend. Most everyone has some memory of their mother's or grandmother's giant handbag that always seemed to hold whatever you needed at that particular moment whether it was a tissue, a cigarette lighter, a pen, a piece of hard candy of unknown origin or variety, or a blowtorch (okay, maybe not a blowtorch). The point is, that bag was cavernous and full of mysterious objects. I don't remember any of these bags of legend having any fancy designer labels, and they were generally uncomplicated utilitarian objects designed to hold "stuff", but they were never so large as to make you wonder what else one could carry in that bag.

So I decided that I should get myself a more grownup-looking purse since I actually have an occasion coming up where I'll need to look like a responsible adult, and my natty hippie crocheted "summer" handbag just isn't going to cut it. My criteria for purchasing a new handbag is less stringent than purchasing shoes or boots, but the purchase still has to make sense and not cost more than I'm willing to spend on a pair of jeans. I'm cheap, but more specifically I've never understood why anyone who isn't pulling down a six-figure salary should spend more than $50 on a goddamned purse. We're not talking about a laptop case, courier bag, or backpack - I'm talking about a purse.

A purse to carry the crap that you need to run to the store, shuttle the kids around, or go out for the evening with friends or your significant other. This container should be big enough to fit your cell phone / smart phone, your wallet, a pen, lip balm or lipstick, maybe a tampon or two, a pack of gum and/or your cigarettes and a lighter. Maybe if you're neurotic about your hair, you might carry a small comb or hairbrush, but you don't need a bag big enough to fit these items plus a pair of jeggings, a 1 lb. bag of m&ms, a flask of cake flavored vodka, spare pair of flats, and still have room for a severed head.

Seriously people. Who the hell needs a purse that big?! It cracks me up when I see petite women carrying these giant ass bags with big stupid designer bling all over them. Unless you're a stripper or the octo-mom, there is no need to carry a bag that big. You can't possibly need to carry that much shit with you when you leave the house and if you do need to carry a giant purse because your life is not complete with out one then I think you need to downsize your life just a bit.

Whew. Yeah, I did have a point in here somewhere...

So I'm in the shoe store looking at purses. I'm rummaging around in the "clearance" section looking for a deal. The only bag that seemed even remotely close to something I would not be embarrassed to carry was "marked down" from $199. WTF? Even with the markdown, it was still almost $80. Mind you, it was made of real cow instead of plastic, but I still could not bring myself to spend that much money on something that I see as nothing more than an alternative to carrying around all my belongings in a recycled plastic shopping bag. Most of the bags in the clearance bin were more terrifying than the stripper shoes I was laughing at elsewhere in the store.

(um.. that's why they're in the clearance bin, dumbass)

Too big.

OMG that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life.

$175 for that?

No way, that would just keep falling off my shoulder and piss me off.

sigh

The new purse will have to wait another day, or week until I muster up enough enthusiasm to look in a different store. I blame my insanely frugal Polish mother for this (just to clarify, she is insane, frugal, and of Polish heritage). Mom never believed in designer labels, or looking fashionable after say 1978 when she just gave up and bought all her clothes and accessories at Sears,Wards or Penney's off the clearance rack. The thought of spending "good money" on something just because it has a designer label on it was a foreign concept in our household.

Ultimately I'd say this is a good thing because I don't have a house full of useless designer crap that goes out of style after 1 season, shoes that look great on a supermodel but are impossible to walk in, or a handbag that doubles as an overnight bag.

No offense to my shoe-loving friends. Believe me, I can still appreciate a crazy pair of Vivienne Westwood shoes - in fact she is probably one of the only "designers" that I would actually pony up the cash for shoes or a handbag because they're so fucking cool. That is only if I somehow happened to strike it rich one day. I'd also consider paying for a deep discounted Vera Bradley bag because I love the bright floral patterns and her bags are made of fabric.

However, I still believe that shopping for purses and/or shoes is still something that most practical women should undertake with a great sense of humor, and a whole lot of patience.

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Lament of the Music Snob

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 03:25:51 GMT

I'm a music snob. I'll freely admit to this. I'm one of those annoying folks who reside in an alternative universe when it comes to my taste in music.

There are no auto-tuned vocals, overly produced, hopped up shit hip hop or dance music that brings on seizures.

There are no squeaky twee female singer songwriters who look prettier than they sound, and no perfectly coiffed fresh-faced boys in skinny pants singing lyrics that sound like they were written by a 7th grader.

There is no Justin Bieber.

There is no Katy Perry.

There is no Chris Brown, or cavalcade of similar hip hop assclowns who wouldn't know funk even if George Clinton showed up and beat them with a mic stand.

There is no American Idol, America's Got Talent, The Voice, or any other television of it's ilk.

There is no Coldplay in my universe.

dear universe why do I have to finish this Coldplay song to progress in Guitar Hero 5? I hate them so very much..

I'm not saying that the music of "my" generation (yeah, I'm a bitch... but we know this already) was perfect. The 1970s through the 80s saw our fare share of horribly bad pop music, unbearable disco, arena rock, hair metal, and "new wave". However, what we had back then that we don't have today are artists who for the most part, had to have some measure of talent (or sheer determination) to get them a record contract.

In the 1970s we had Leo Sayer, ABBA, Captain and Tennille... responsible for some of the cheesiest music ever set to vinyl. However, one could argue at at least ABBA left their mark on more than a few songwriters who found their infectious pop hooks influential in some way. Namely, one dude named Declan MacManus aka Elvis Costello, who claims to have borrowed a riff for his song "Oliver's Army" from an ABBA song. Say what you will about Duran Duran, Human League, and AHa, their songs were catchy and melodic. The videos made us want to tune into MTV.. (remember when they actually played videos on MTV?). Hell, the 80s also brought us the great purple one, Prince, and gave birth to the long strange career of Madonna (no Madonna, no Lada GaGa.. nuff said).

There is a long list of 40-something and 50-something musicians who grew up on this stuff just as I did, along with the iconic bands of the 60s (see below). It warms my heart to see them carry the torch forward. Hell, two of the coolest albums ever to come out of the 90s were by a band of misfits from central California that called themselves "Jellyfish". Their 2 albums "Bellybutton" and "Spilt Milk" were steeped in 60s and 70s songcraft tradition, while sounding like nothing else put out at the time. Remember the 90s were hip deep in grunge music and here were these weirdos dressed up like hippies playing music with layered harmonies, and a drumming singer standing at the front of the stage.

I should say I have nothing against grunge, but that's an entirely different kettle of fish. You get to grunge from classic heavy metal and punk.

We also had Parliament Funkadelic, Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, Ohio Players, and many many more. This was music with real guts, real soul, and FUNK that made you want to get up and shake your groove thing no matter if you looked like a moron or not. Is it any wonder that some of the "old school" rappers borrowed (sampled) riffs from this era on their early recordings. I could pick out many samples from early Snoop Dogg / Dr. Dre recordings - hell I remember the first time I recognized a sample from the Ohio Players tune "Funky Worm" in a contemporary hip hop recording. Laughed my fool head off.

Earth Wind & Fire "Shining Star" is playing on last.fm. must get up and dance.

Try to compare Coldplay or The Killers to Cheap Trick, Badfinger, or Big Star (or worse.. the Beatles) and I would respond with something rude. Coldplay is soulless, whiney, shoegazer crap that sounds like it's always meant to go in the soundtrack of some chick flick. Even though you have to go through Blur first (another fave), I'd say contemporary bands like My Morning Jacket get closer to the spirit of 70s classic pop music, and Fleet Foxes and Band of Horses get closer to bands like Crosby Stills Nash & Young. Radiohead still shines, pulling influences from garage or punk bands, but I've also heard plenty of Pink Floyd and Brian Eno in their music.

oh goody! Ben Folds Five "Song for the Dumped" is playing on last.fm (musical interlude)

The shit that gets the most airplay these days seems to appeal to listeners who have the attention span of a housefly.

I'm not even going to talk in detail about all the beautiful, magical music of the mid to late 60s created by folks like Brian Wilson, Ray Davies, the Beatles, the Zombies, the Who, the Byrds, and Jefferson Airplane. Some kids today don't even know who Paul friggin McCartney IS except for being "that old guy" who plays half-time shows, and as of late the London Olympics. My heart breaks just a little bit whenever I encounter some person under the age of 30 who has maybe only heard 2 or 3 Beatles songs in their lifetime.

Beatles "You Never Give Me Your Money" is playing on last.fm. Oh that magic feeling.. nowhere to go...

I think I'm going to need to write another entry listing out some favorite songs because I'm getting too distracted here writing this.

The genre that I think I'm most sentimental about, and lament the most in this sea of insipid contemporary pop music is progressive rock and what's sometimes referred to as "arena" rock.

This is probably the genre that I don't even bother talking about with people unless I sense the musical nerd force within. I can usually approach this by discussing bands like Rush or Pink Floyd and see if the other person's eyes glaze over. If they are with me, I'll mention Yes, then Genesis, and if I haven't lost them I'll whip out my full on geek and mention Procol Harum, King Crimson, ELP, Van Der Graaf Generator, etc. etc. and then overlap back to bands like Queen and Deep Purple, who weren't "prog" but fall into that strange category of epic rock bands you couldn't compare in the same league as a band like Bachman Turner Overdrive (i.e. Queen = epic. BTO = not so much). If I'm lucky enough to meet a fellow prog head, we can get our geek on for a while. If the person falls more into the "classic rock" fan then I more or less lose them at King Crimson (whereby I just STFU and talk about Queen or Black Sabbath)

Anyway... (they say she comes on a pale horse.. but I'm sure I hear a train)

My point in all this opinionated nonsense is that I feel truly sad for the current generation of young people who don't have music nerd or hippie parents, or at least hipster parents (some hipsters actually have decent taste in music, although they tend to not venture back beyond the last 10-15 years). I want future generations to understand what it's like to put on a set of headphones and get sucked into a great classic rock album that sparks their imagination or at least opens their mind just a little bit. I want others to feel that sense of pure joy when discovering some previously unheard band and then scouring a used CD store for other albums by that band, or buying an album or two off iTunes. (If I were truly delusional I'd send them to a used record store, but you have to actually own one of those turntable things and they're as rare as finding someone in their 20s who would know what to do if the internet just suddenly went away).

I remember being stuck in the car with an ex-boyfriend and his (then) pre-teen daughter who listened to nothing but the "hits" radio station (which meant, everything is autotuned vocals with too many effects and a stupid music track that sounded like it was created by some automated batch processing software). I still have to scrub my brain every time I hear the song "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa. It was either this crap, or her father's nuevo metal angry bastard music (bands like Disturbed whose vocals just sound to me like an angry constipated guy whose hot girlfriend just left him for a vegan peace activist)

Of course, this is from the perspective of yours truly. I'm not a parent, and I have no idea what it's like to have kids who want to "fit in" and listen to all the shit that their friends are listening to. However, if this is what kids are growing up on these days, I fear a future that's out of Zappa's "Joe's Garage".

cue "Packard Goose" (Frank Zappa "Joe's Garage")

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Free Your Mind..

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 05:13:06 GMT

... and your ass will follow - the great funkmaster George Clinton

I've been thinking a bit lately about what seems to be an epidemic in this country of what are referred to as "haterz" or to be more specific, narrow minded, fear-ridden bigots.

I can't even call them "sheep" because sheep are generally laid back, gentle sort of creatures who just follow along with the flock. They don't "hate" - they just go about their happy little sheep lives.

Take this whole Chick-fil-a kerfluffle for example.

Most folks on the liberal or even libertarian side of the fence wouldn't give a rat's dirty ass about the opinions of one corporate bigwig. I respect Mr. ChickFilA guy's right to be a so-called Christian and say what he wants about his beliefs in public. That's what the first amendment is all about. People get to run their mouths in public and as long as what they say is their opinion (and doesn't venture into slander), it's protected speech.

However, where this man puts his money is the real problem in my very humble opinion.

Again, as a Libertarian type, I want to believe that this asshat is free to put his money wherever he wants. In reality, he is free to do so (and if I had a shit ton of money and could donate it to a cause of my choosing, I certainly wouldn't want anyone bitching at me about my choices).

It wouldn't be so bad if he was giving all his money to Oral Roberts University, or to some ministry helping to spread his religion of choice in some third world country (while handing out food, blankets, and Bibles). However, from the perspective of someone who has many GBLT friends, the so called charities where this man spends his hard earned cash are downright repulsive.

For me, this is a very thin tighrope.

I can't imagine being a certified Kinsey 6 and told that I am an abomination, should try to "change" who I am, and that worst of all, I can't marry the person I love, the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm a mostly straight gal who has been married twice, and have had far too many pointless romantic mishaps to count. I look at non-straight friends of mine who met their soul mates, and have been with them longer than both my marriages combined, and scratch my head as to why anyone would want to deny them the chance to marry that person.

Whatever one can say about marriage, it does provide some handy legal benefits as well as some nice tax breaks. Why should my gay and lesbian friends be told that they "can't have this"?

As a society we've become far too polarized and all seem to be backing firmly into our collective trenches, gearing up for some apocalyptic battle. We're spending an extraordinary amount of time fighting about social issues, issues of personal choice (reproductive rights, same-sex marriage, personal health choices such as food / drug / alcohol consumption, and what's being called "religious freedom"), rather than the larger problems that impact us all such as poverty and joblessness, limited access to affordable health care, and environmental issues.

I have never been able to understand why a woman's right to use birth control or have an abortion, what food we eat, whether we choose to smoke or drink, and who we choose to make our lives with is of such importance to those on the social conservative side of the fence. I was raised to believe that these types of issues were "nobody else's business" and as long as your behavior does not impact others in some harmful way (such as driving while impaired, smoking in an enclosed space, etc.) - it should remain "nobody else's business".

So why are the neocons so darn worked up over this? (I understand the birth control thing - the Affordable Care Act makes insurance companies pay for birth control with no copay - but I digress.. this topic belongs in a different blog post)

I was raised in a fairly conservative family. While my parents were not particularly religious, they did hold some fairly old fashioned beliefs (and my momster is a bit off the charts when it comes to her level of paranoia of the government, and societal changes in general). One good choice they made in raising me and my siblings was giving us the option to make up our own minds when it came to religion and personal beliefs.

As I went along in my life, met many different types of people, I came to believe that anyone can be an asshole, just as anyone can be a friend. Douchebaggery is an equal opportunity employer. "Haters" can live on either side of the fence. Gender, religion, occupation, political affiliation, or socioeconomic status doesn't matter. I found friends from many different demographics (I am a fierce social liberal, but have friends who are not - I can respect differences of opinion and still find good in others).

Back to my original point of this post...

The actions of mayors Menino and Emanuel in blocking the Chick-Fil-A franchises from setting up shop in their cities was dodgy at best. Now before you bark back at me about Mr. Cathy's public comments about his support of "traditional marriage" and where he spends his hard earned cash (see above), he just so happens to reside on a different side of the universe as far as my personal beliefs are concerned.

What would we, gentle liberals do, if conservative mayors blocked more liberal leaning businesses like Starbucks or Target from setting up shop in their cities?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this was all a political move on the part of the Boston and Chicago mayors to use this whole thing as a political gimme. The only problem with this approach is that now we've made Mr. Cathy and his fast food chicken joint into a martyr for the far right. If "we" the social liberals had just let nature take it's course, plunking down this particular business in the middle of a very "Blue" city, the local liberal folks would have just turned up their nose at it and wandered off to some other better eating establishment in the city. Maybe the franchise location would make it a year or two, and then once the novelty wore off, the location would close its doors due to poor sales (anyone remember Krispy Kreme?).

Seriously, how much extra dough do you think Mr. Cathy raked in on "Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day" - just because the riled up foaming-at-the-mouth Followers of F*x Newz wanted to eat some chicken and shake their fists at those heathen liberals for telling Mr. Cathy he doesn't have a right to grasp his Bible and "speak his mind".

So where do we draw the line here?

This whole thing makes me nauseous just thinking about it. If we choose the path of passive resistance, are we then in silent agreement with the opinions expressed by this corporation? If we choose to make this a corporation to fight against, then why not fight other corporations that donate to causes that we don't agree with? Why not kick all the conservative leaning corporations out of our liberal cities? Is this really the right way for us to go?

I certainly don't have an answer. I'm an idealist who hopes that one day the moderates from both sides of the battle will rise up and say "Let's just shut the fuck up and start talking about the issues that effect us ALL". We, as a nation, are never, ever going to agree 100% on issues that have some tentacles in a particular religions belief. No matter what the tea partiers and conservative Christian right want to believe, the earth is not going to open up a sinkhole and swallow the non-believers. Jesus is not going to come down and smite us all. I like my hippie Jesus served up with a side of compassion and tolerance, where he hangs out and smokes a hookah with Buddha, Moses, and Mohammed. They all sit around and dream of a world where humans are excellent to each other, the planet, and all living creatures.

Did I mention that I was an idealist?

We, the smart social liberals need to find a more creative solution for combating the bigots, the haters, the fear-ridden right who are armed with their Bibles, and metaphorical clubs and torches. We need something smart, epic, and effective but subtle.

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