Working without a net
Tuesday, March 5th, 2013 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
my_lost_mindBombarded by too many voices in my head that are not my own.
Ethical dating is harder for me than I thought it would be.
It's difficult because I have to be able to filter out all the other voices in my head
What if...
what if after months of dating he turns out to be lousy in bed?
what if he becomes jealous and possessive?
what if you meet someone else you want to date? (oh god no!! I'm not really that poly though! No more serial monogamy!! GAH!)
what if after time you realize that he's really boring and you have nothing to talk about?
I had one of those "not so fast, young lady!" moments this past weekend.
It reminded me of the wormhole-laden path that I used to walk and I decided that I would not saunter down that same path this time.
I went to a meetup event without my new friend.
It was a large social mixer, not specifically for singles, attended by mostly folks in their mid-40s and older. A fun party with a DJ, cash bar, in a rented space with a big dance floor. While I was dancing I noticed a tall fellow who had his "GEEK" beacon on standing by the bar. He looked new to the group so I thought I would approach and introduce myself.
He and I started talking. We talked mostly of music but also a few of the meditation and yoga meetup groups he attends, as well as the music-related social networking startup he is working on.
At no point in the conversation did the subject of my or his "dating" status come up. I had no idea whether he was "available" and he had no idea about me. We just talked of music. A lot.
Naturally as the conversation continued we both realized that we were like-minded music nerds. He said that I was one of the most interesting people he'd met at any of these meetup events, and seemed to give off vibes that he thought I was pretty cool.
He gave me a copy of Steven Wilson's new solo album from out of his car, with his phone number scribbled on the cd envelope.
I went to put the cd in my bag, and scribbled my email address on a piece of paper and handed it to him.
We hugged goodnight and then he left the event. I returned to the dance floor for another 40 minutes or so before I too called it a night.
Now, do you think I called this man?
My old self would have called him the next day., jettisoning Mr. Nice Older Man (or just flaking out on him in a passive-aggressive way)
My new self said "Don't go there"
The fellow from the meetup ended up sending me an awesome David Sylvian track (via Dropbox) that we had discussed the previous night.
Something about this man, and his eclectic taste in music set off my "yeah, you SO do not want to go there right now!" radar because this same shared taste in music thing is what has hooked me into so many one-sided bizarro world relationships in the past. Unfortunately he is very tall, and not bad looking. Reminds me quite a bit of a few folks I knew years ago.
So far we've only exchanged a few words via email, I thanked him for sharing the aforementioned track,and for the cd he gave me. Tonight he emailed me a discount coupon for the 4AD online store (which I used to snag some musical goodies).
The following filters have been applied:
1. He is in the middle of trying to launch a business start-up ( = he's busy)
2. I have no idea about his relationship status (= I could end up with a giant egg on my face)
3. I am currently casually dating someone.
4. He did not specifically state that he was interested in a date.
Right. Whew. Shield is fully operational!
So back to that tightrope.
My older friend and I continue our little dance. I do think that he truly grasps the concept of not wanting to "crowd me" (he says this all the time), and he "asks" me if I'm free for a date on x or y day/night instead of assuming. I really wish that he was 5 or 6 years older and not 12 years older.
It would make this whole thing so much easier.
I wish I had met him years ago, that also would have made things easier.
I need to be able to see a few years down the road, if I pursue something with him, if it will be something that feels comfortable or if I will feel obliged to stay with him because he's so kind and seemingly sane - but sacrificing "chemistry".
The chemistry thing is difficult to define right now, which is why I am taking my time.
My attraction to him right now is based on the "oooh shiny! new!" stuff, the tension created by kissing someone goodnight knowing that it is not leading to a hookup, and all that I don't know about him.
If that chemistry is still there after more time getting to know him, with less "shiny new", more "getting to know you", and still without sex, then maybe I can relax somewhat.
There will always be challenges to my "filters" and I will have to continue to always put my big girl pants on before making knee jerk reactions about people based on superficial criteria.
Ethical dating is harder for me than I thought it would be.
It's difficult because I have to be able to filter out all the other voices in my head
What if...
what if after months of dating he turns out to be lousy in bed?
what if he becomes jealous and possessive?
what if you meet someone else you want to date? (oh god no!! I'm not really that poly though! No more serial monogamy!! GAH!)
what if after time you realize that he's really boring and you have nothing to talk about?
I had one of those "not so fast, young lady!" moments this past weekend.
It reminded me of the wormhole-laden path that I used to walk and I decided that I would not saunter down that same path this time.
I went to a meetup event without my new friend.
It was a large social mixer, not specifically for singles, attended by mostly folks in their mid-40s and older. A fun party with a DJ, cash bar, in a rented space with a big dance floor. While I was dancing I noticed a tall fellow who had his "GEEK" beacon on standing by the bar. He looked new to the group so I thought I would approach and introduce myself.
He and I started talking. We talked mostly of music but also a few of the meditation and yoga meetup groups he attends, as well as the music-related social networking startup he is working on.
At no point in the conversation did the subject of my or his "dating" status come up. I had no idea whether he was "available" and he had no idea about me. We just talked of music. A lot.
Naturally as the conversation continued we both realized that we were like-minded music nerds. He said that I was one of the most interesting people he'd met at any of these meetup events, and seemed to give off vibes that he thought I was pretty cool.
He gave me a copy of Steven Wilson's new solo album from out of his car, with his phone number scribbled on the cd envelope.
I went to put the cd in my bag, and scribbled my email address on a piece of paper and handed it to him.
We hugged goodnight and then he left the event. I returned to the dance floor for another 40 minutes or so before I too called it a night.
Now, do you think I called this man?
My old self would have called him the next day., jettisoning Mr. Nice Older Man (or just flaking out on him in a passive-aggressive way)
My new self said "Don't go there"
The fellow from the meetup ended up sending me an awesome David Sylvian track (via Dropbox) that we had discussed the previous night.
Something about this man, and his eclectic taste in music set off my "yeah, you SO do not want to go there right now!" radar because this same shared taste in music thing is what has hooked me into so many one-sided bizarro world relationships in the past. Unfortunately he is very tall, and not bad looking. Reminds me quite a bit of a few folks I knew years ago.
So far we've only exchanged a few words via email, I thanked him for sharing the aforementioned track,and for the cd he gave me. Tonight he emailed me a discount coupon for the 4AD online store (which I used to snag some musical goodies).
The following filters have been applied:
1. He is in the middle of trying to launch a business start-up ( = he's busy)
2. I have no idea about his relationship status (= I could end up with a giant egg on my face)
3. I am currently casually dating someone.
4. He did not specifically state that he was interested in a date.
Right. Whew. Shield is fully operational!
So back to that tightrope.
My older friend and I continue our little dance. I do think that he truly grasps the concept of not wanting to "crowd me" (he says this all the time), and he "asks" me if I'm free for a date on x or y day/night instead of assuming. I really wish that he was 5 or 6 years older and not 12 years older.
It would make this whole thing so much easier.
I wish I had met him years ago, that also would have made things easier.
I need to be able to see a few years down the road, if I pursue something with him, if it will be something that feels comfortable or if I will feel obliged to stay with him because he's so kind and seemingly sane - but sacrificing "chemistry".
The chemistry thing is difficult to define right now, which is why I am taking my time.
My attraction to him right now is based on the "oooh shiny! new!" stuff, the tension created by kissing someone goodnight knowing that it is not leading to a hookup, and all that I don't know about him.
If that chemistry is still there after more time getting to know him, with less "shiny new", more "getting to know you", and still without sex, then maybe I can relax somewhat.
There will always be challenges to my "filters" and I will have to continue to always put my big girl pants on before making knee jerk reactions about people based on superficial criteria.
